“I just want my kid to be resilient” is one of the most common things parents say to me. Usually they say it right after describing a moment where they stepped in so their child wouldn’t have to struggle. I don’t point that out to catch anyone. It’s where the real conversation starts.
Kids build resilience by getting through hard things themselves.
A lot of loving, well-meaning parenting remove the very moments that build resilience: the tough practice, the conflict with a teammate, the disappointment of getting cut. Every time we solve it for them, we hand them a short-term win and take away a chance to practice. You can’t talk a child into resilience. They build it by facing something hard, getting through it imperfectly, and finding out they are okay on the other side.
The kids who cope best know what to do with distress.
In my work, a child’s resilience has little to do with how calm they look on the surface. It has a lot to do with emotional literacy; whether they can name what they’re feeling and have a few reliable ways to move through it. A kid who says “I”m frustrated, I need a minute.” after a bad game is often doing better than the one who says nothing and seems fine. The quiet one usually just hasn’t learned to name it yet, and it tends to show up somewhere else later.
A composite example.
I worked with an eleven -year swimmer whose parents described him as falling apart every race that didn’t go his way. Tears on the pool deck, silence in the car, talk of quitting. His mom had started emailing his coach after meets to explain what went wrong. What we found was that he’d rarely been allowed to have a bad swim and sit with it. The adults around him, out of love, kept rushing in to fix the feeling. Once his parents stepped back and let the disappointment run its course, and we gave him a few concrete ways to reset before races, the meltdowns got shorter and less frequent. he wasn’t missing resilience. He was missing practice at getting through hard moments on his own.
Kids need a safety net to take risks.
None of this works without the half. Kids don’t take healthy risks or tolerate failure when they don’t trust that someone steady is behind them. The parents I see raising the most resilient kids are consistent. Their kids know exactly where the floor is and that’s what makes it safe to fall sometimes.
Sometimes it’s more than missing reps.
Not every child who struggles with setbacks needs more practice failing. Sometimes what looks like low resilience is anxiety or depression that needs clinical care, and more chances to struggle won’t fix it. If your child ‘s distress isn’t easing up, is spreading into school, sleep or friendships, or they’re pulling away from a sport they used to love, that’s worth a closer look. Sorting out which one you’re seeing, a skills gap or something deeper, is a big part of what I do.
If there’s one shift I’d ask parents to make, it’s this: the next time you feel the urge to step in and fix something for your child, pause and ask whether this is a moment they could get through without you. Not every time. But more often than feels comfortable. This discomfort is usually where the growth is.
The example above is a composite. Names and details have been changed and combined to protect privacy.
About OAZ
We believe that by connecting mental wellness with peak performance strategies, we can raise happy, healthy, resilient kids—all while optimizing how well they perform on the field.
I am Sue Sugarman, L.C.S.W., B.C.D, Certified in Mental Health of Elite Athletes by the International Olympic Committee. As a therapist, athlete, and sports mom, I founded Optimal Athletic Zone (OAZ) to support youth athletes beyond the game. With Becca Klapper M.Ed, M.A., CMPC, on our team, we help kids build confidence, handle pressure, and enjoy their sport again.
We support kids and families from all walks of life.
