Nervous Isn’t the Opposite of Confident
The night before a big tryout, your child says, “I’m nervous.” Most of us respond the same way, “Don’t be nervous! You’ll be great.”
It comes from love. But is sends a confusing message, that nerves are a problem, and confident kids don’t feel them. The truth is that almost every athlete feels nervous before something that matters. including the best ones.
What Confidence Really Is
Confidence doesn’t mean feeling calm or always performing well. It means trusting your preparation, managing your emotions when they show up, and knowing you can handle whatever happens next, even a mistake.
Here’s something worth telling your child. Nerves and excitement feel almost the same in the body. A racing heart, butterflies, fast breathing are the body getting ready to perform. Some athletes even say “I’m excited” instead of “I’m nervous,” and it helps them feel ready instead of scared.
What to Say, and When
Big moments come with a few predictable points where your words matter most.
The night before. Keep it calm and normal. Skip the pep talk and the game plan. You might say, “You’ve been working hard for this. Whatever happens tomorrow, I’m proud of how you’ve prepared.” Then let them do something relaxing.
The morning of. Less is more. A good breakfast, an easy mood, and one simple line like, “Have fun out there.” If they mention feeling nervous, you can say, “That makes sense. It means you care.”
On the way there. Many kids want quiet, or their own music, before a big moment. Follow their lead. If they want to talk, keep it light. This isn’t the time for last-minute advice.
Right after. Whatever the result, start with connection, not evaluation. “I love watching you play” is a great first line. Then wait, and let them bring up how it went. If they’re upset, you don’t need to fix it. Saying “That was a hard one” is often enough. Save the conversation about what happened for later, when emotions have settled.
What Build Confidence Over Time
Confidence grows from experience. Kids build it by showing up, getting through hard moments, and seeing that they can handle them. You can help by noticing the specific ways your child prepares and responds.
“I say you stayed focus after that missed shot.”
“You studied every night this week. That takes discipline.”
“You were nervous and you went out there anyway. That's brave.”
The last one may be the most important. Doing it while nervous is what confidence looks like.
The Bottom Line
Our job isn’t to take the nerves away. It’s to help our kids learn that they can feel nervous and still show up, compete, and still be okay, not matter the results. That’s the kind of confidence that lasts well beyond the game.
About OAZ
We believe that by connecting mental wellness with peak performance strategies, we can raise happy, healthy, resilient kids—all while optimizing how well they perform on the field.
I am Sue Sugarman, L.C.S.W., B.C.D, Certified in Mental Health of Elite Athletes by the International Olympic Committee. As a therapist, athlete, and sports mom, I founded Optimal Athletic Zone (OAZ) to support youth athletes beyond the game. With Becca Klapper M.Ed, M.A., CMPC, on our team, we help kids build confidence, handle pressure, and enjoy their sport again.
We support kids and families from all walks of life.
